Since no one really reads this I'm going to "vent". So Jake and I have been ttc for a couple of months. I really wanted to start trying around March. Last month we got on the same page and we are really wanting to get pregnant asap. It worries me since it took us over a year to get Kohen that it's going to take that long again. I feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant or have new babies and I want that to be me. It makes it so much harder when you see it every day. I dont know how people can do this for years. How do you get through it every month of not getting your BFP. This month Jake and I had so much sex that I was sure we would get pregnant because we had to have bd (babydanced) close or on the day I ovulated. If I am pregnant I would be almost 4 weeks and I should be able to get a positive test soon if I am pregnant. So now I guess I just wait and see if the wonderful witch shows up or not. I'm already sick and tired of taking tests. I have gotten to the point where I feel like if I stare at the little window long enough I will see a second line. Nope no luck yet! And the other thing that just sits in the back of my mind is that if I am pregnant please please let it be a girl. I do not want another boy at all. He wears me out. I want the American Dream to be able to have one of each. I know that God has other plans for you sometimes I just keep praying that he plans to bless us with a beautiful baby girl sooner than later. Dont get me wrong if we had another boy I would love him to death and having two boys would be a lot of fun but that much work also. The fighting, the girls, sports, stitches, broken bones all of it would double. I know I am lucky enough to have the one amazing beautiful healthy little boy what more could I ask for. I just feel so empty still. Will that feeling ever go away or do you get so caught up with your family that you don't notice it anymore. I'm just not sure what to think and feel like crying every day. I really dont have a clue what is going on with me these days. I'm so darn emotional!
In the beginning of our journey I was told by so many that it’s gets easier I’m not going to lie it doesn’t get easier you just find a new normal. It’s an illusion that’s it’s easier. You still have the stress, endless doctors appointments, therapy appointments, medication changes, routines that are being changed, new people coming in and out of your lives friendships that come and go etc. My anxiety attacks are no longer happening multiple times a day for no rhyme or reason (I can’t tell you the last time I had one actually 🙌🏻 also knocking on some wood right now) I had made a post the other day about being worried when I dropped Kaiya off at school. I surprisingly have had very little anxiety through this process this year. Last spring completely different story. I have come to the realization that for the most part whatever happens to Kaiya is out of my hands. I can do everything within my power to protect her and she may still one day be taken from me before I w...
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